Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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