whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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