Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
