I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
