I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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