You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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