pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
