I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
