If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
