i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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