Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
