You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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