I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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