I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
