I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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