I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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