Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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