i jhust puked up my retainher.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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