I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
