You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
