There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
