I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
