My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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