it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
