Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
