I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
