If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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