I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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