foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
