guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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