Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
