please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
They have beer where we have blood.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
