Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
