i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
