i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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