so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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