So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He felt like a one man threesome
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
