Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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