You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
