We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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