Ambien. No doubt about it.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
we're so committed to being not committed
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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