My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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