i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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