I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
