His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
this boner is exhausting
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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