Im at strip club and am horny
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
