I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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