Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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