the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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