My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
